Dealing with Loss

Last night I received a call that my father had passed away. My father has been having health problems but I still wasn't prepared for it. The relationship with my dad and I has never been very close. My parents were divorced when I was 7. Growing up I learned what it was to be a man by seeing others and taking traits that I liked and incorporated them into my own personality. I used to struggle all the time wondering why I didn't have a father like other kids. I eventually came to the conclusion that god was using my father as an example of what not to be like with my kids. Last summer my father was in the hospital and no one was too sure if he was going to make it. I flew out to CA to see him and when I left the hospital I had a feeling it was going to be the last time I'd see him. I think I said my goodbyes then. So when I received the call last night I was sad but not totally distraught. 

I stayed home from work today and wondered if I was in shock and maybe a bunch of feelings would come rushing back to me. Honestly I would get these feelings when talking to family members calling to see how I was. I laid in bed and tried to figure out how I was supposed to act. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to lie in bed all day or look at old pictures reminiscing. I finally decided to go fishing. On the water I always have time to think and reflect on things. The top water bite was on fire the first hour I was there. It was exactly what I needed. I'm still a little confused on exactly how I feel. I'm pretty sure my dad would have wanted me to enjoy myself than sit around and mope all day.